... pause....

So it seems yet again i get half way to my destination, i get extremely happy with my efforts, and i hit the pause button.... usually during this time i also pile the kg's back on but im pleased to say this time it hasnt happened, well i have put on 1kg but not the usual 5+, i put that down to work, being constantly on the run every night....

Im not overly stressed, i feel happy where im at, 75kg, size 14, BUT, my goal is 65kg, comfortable size 12, sooooo im hitting it again, slowly but surely i will downsize again. The main drive is that my whole winter wardrobe is size 12 and im spending big $$ just to buy the next size up haha.

Its strange, a couple of years ago i was hell bent on being a super skinny size 10 but these days i have no desire to be so slim, i think ive finally reached that point of self acceptance, i like me, infact i love me, i love my gorgeous hubby and kiddies, they keep me going and give me strength when times get tough and they are all i need, my extended family seems to have drifted to the back of my mind, my sister i see only at christmas and she will call in on the kids birthdays at 9'o'clock at night stay for 10 mins and then say she has to leave and take off, she is a user and the moment i refused to be used this is all we got from her but thats fine, shes a twit, id rather not see her. Mum is strange, given the history there will always be tension between us yet she thinks we are the best of friends, she is so fake even the kids see through her and point her fakeness out to me which i try to dismiss to them as id like them to have a good nan/grandchildren relationship despite our lack of relationship... and dad well i spoke to him briefly a couple of weeks back, hes a loon, he has seriously lost his shit, there have always been mental issues and i think given the fact that i removed myself from it for almost 12 months it really stands out now, but the kids have been asking to see him, so before easter i will see him again and have a chat on how things will be, he can only visit when invited, not call constantly, not expect that i be at his beck n call 24/4, not talk about mum with me or the kids (he is still extremely obsessed with her) and if he cant play by the rules he will be told to once again step out of our lives... simple really.

Still Slogging Away....

So far so good, there have been ups and downs, but overall I'm happy with the progress being made, 6.6kg down in 6 weeks is a pretty good average. Gold star for me (and Jason who is 5kg down) for sticking at it!

During the first 6 weeks of 2012 we have seen friends go through a lot of heartache, one mate, 36 years old has had a stroke, only a minor stroke and he is doing well but its a bloody worry. Another friend who is 40 has had a heart attack and is scheduled for a bypass, wtf, these are things we imagine we don't have to concern ourselves with at our age, I'll be 33 this year and Jase will be 35, these events have shocked me to the core and made me re-evaluate my reasons for getting healthy, some how it doesn't feel like I'm just trying to lose weight any more, I'm looking at the bigger picture...

In other news I'm still dealing with my immature mother who seems hell bent on destroying my father, they have been separated for a year now, she has just lodged her divorce papers, is 'on with' what was dads best mate, and is taking dad to court at the drop of a hat for what she says are breaches of the AVO she has in place, what i don't get is how she always manages to be everywhere he is and she then says its him.... for instance, the new boyfriend lives just around the corner from dad, dad is not allowed within 50 metres of her, so she takes him back to court to have the AVO amended so that he has to drive a different route to get into town on pension day etc, she also often drives by his house because she feels the need to 'keep an eye on him' and she seems to be loving it?! .... I haven't spoken to dad since Easter last year as he was just bringing to much stress, hassle, drama, you name it onto myself and little family, involving the children etc, yet i cant help but feel sorry for him to some degree as his world is crumbing down around him, his doing?.... maybe.... but it must feel horrible to feel like your whole family has abandoned you.... having said that i don't know if I'm willing to take that path again and allow him into my/our lives as he is 100% a manipulative narcissistic man who will twist and turn you inside out to get what he wants without you even realising it... and yet he is my dad *sigh*.... what will be will be i guess, and as I'm feeling all this I'm reminded that during this past 9 months of no contact he has made no effort himself, no cards for the kids birthdays, Christmas etc, and it is a two way street, i know if i was in his position i would be at least sending cards even at the risk that they may return to me in the post, which is what he would be thinking.....

Enough of that, just needed to offload! Back to my success, very proud of my efforts and enjoying pro points, not tracking every single day, but most days i do, and I'm only exercising a few days a week, i think i may need to up this in the near future, if i can fit it in between the housework, the kids activities, the ironing ( i iron for others for a few extra $$) and working 6 nights, far out that looks hectic when i write it down!!

So far so good, very pleased with our overall efforts, Jason and I have decided to weigh in on Saturday morning to allow a bit of leniency Saturday evenings, being back at work is helping heaps to, evenings are my dangerzone, my pig out time, so being busy and not in my own kitchen is great!

Very proud of our middle child, Dylan, he loves his food and is a chubby little man, but recently he has said hes been feeling uncomfortable with himself and is noticing that other kids his age are smaller etc, so with a little encouragement (defiantly no pushing) he is being 150% more active, has stopped snacking completely, is eating fruit, having smaller meals, and and is walking with Jason every other night, almost a week in and you can see his stomach is pulling in and the self esteem is raising dramatically, pretty damn impressive efforts for a 10 year old! Actually i think his efforts and helping mine and Jason's, we want to set a good example and are also following Dylan's smart choices... win win id say!

On the weekend i plan to track down and try out some low point muffin recipes, i think they'll be handy for lunchbox's when school goes back, only last night i was thinking about everything that goes into the lunchboxes and about how much less they are are eating at home, so im thinking i might toss the chips and high sugar bars for low fat yogurts, low point muffin, a piece of fruit and a healthy roll, sounds like a plan :o)

2011 in review...

2011, what a tortuous, topsy turvy, shit, fun, amazing and wonderful year! it certainly has been a mixed bag thats for sure!!! but here i sit typing away, 12.36am on new years eve, less then 24 hours until 2012... I'm still in one piece, Ive made it through almost unscathed, somewhat emotionally scared but a hell of a lot stronger then this time 12 months ago.

I believe everything happens for a reason, I'm not a religious person, but i believe and do try and live by karma, be a good person and good will come your way.... funnily enough you just cant see the reasons whilst life has you twisted in its turmoil grip, but then some months (sometimes years) later, you see the good that has come from the bad, your stronger for having done battle with your demons, more determined, you don't let others put you down, you speak your mind, stand your ground and never back down! I am thankful for the year that has been, it has seen me rid my life of a LOT of crap and the people who were creating it, they may not like the changes their actions have evoked in me but i will be forever grateful!! life's funny like that :P

2011 saw only 3 posts from me here on blogger... SLACKO! i shall endeavour to write more often in the coming year, its therapeutic to get things off your chest and out of your head, here is as good as place to do so!

2012 - be the best that i can be.....

i think that says it all, i have big plans fitness wise that shall slowly unfold, Ive always wanted to be able to run, i shall achieve this in 2012, i shall invest time in me, and slowly i shall evolve :o) this year was doomed weight wise, Ive lost and gained the same 10kg what feels like a million times! 2012 will have finalcial incentives for hubby and i, each week we lose we get $50 to save towards rewards for ourselves, not sure what hubby is wanting, but me, i want my back tattoo done, lets see if 12 months from now i can have it completed!!

i sense great things coming about in 2012, lots of positive energy, lots of happy family times with my super family of 7!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL, REMEMBER IF YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, LIFES SHORT SO GET OUT AND LIVE!!

never look back!

this is my new phrase to live by... never look back... eyes front and keep going forwards and your past can not control you!

I feel as if Ive come a long way these last few months, Ive let go of a lot of 'uglies' and have taken steps to take hold of my life.

My father is currently not a part of my life, Ive never felt quite so 'free' and didn't realise just how much control he had over me, my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... everything! I dont feel guilty but there is still a sense of 'expectation' there, like I'm expected to put up with his crap but I'm working through it....

My mother I'm struggling with, trying to forgive and rebuild some sort of relationship but at the same time putting myself, hubby and our children first. Mum is showing her true colours, she is a very selfish ans self centred woman, I'm struggling with that, i guess its the realisation that i will never have the loving relationship with her that Ive always craved, but hey that's life, eyes front, keep moving forward...

Me, I'm doing well, It took a while but hubby scored a new job as a parts interpreter at the local Toyota outlet, bit of a change from butchering, better hours, better pay, better people to work with and for, Its great to have my care free happy husband back! His new hours have made it possible for me to get some work too, I literally fell into a job at a local restaurant, assisting in the kitchen, making en tree's assisting the chef, doing deserts, and all the usual cleaning duties that come with it, I'm quite proud of myself actually as hubby was talking to friends about me getting a job at woolies supermarket but i did this all myself, and I'm loving it!

I feel so positive, and very confident of late, my weight has gone up a few kg but I'll get that in check! one thing at a time, one foot in front of the other.... never look back!

stress stress stress... and you guessed it, emotional binging :o(

Here we are 6 months into the year already, how did that happen? So much has gone down in the past 6 months, new years saw me weigh in at 68kg looking and feeling great, June first saw me weigh in 10kg heavier at 78 kg looking 'unkept' and fast losing confidence. The trigger (this time) was my parents separating at the beginning of February which bought with it so much stress and way to many emotions to even begin to think about dealing with, how do you deal with finding out neither of your parents were/are who you've thought they are for the past (almost) 32 years? How do you deal with finding out that the both of them have never put you first and when you needed them most they weren't there, they lied and cheated and betrayed you to protect their own dirty secrets? What parent does that to their child?
When i was 14 i was sexually assaulted by my uncle, my fathers brother who was staying with us at the time, i told my mother of this and was told she would 'call him' and 'sort it' weeks passed and nothing was done, a couple of months later i was getting ready for school and was told that the uncle would be coming over for dinner that night, needless to say i was very distraught, had an outburst at my mother and left the house, i didn't know where to go or what to do, some time later i ended up at school and asked the principal to help me telling him what had happened, he called the police and child services.......... time went on and charges were made, the court date finally came and the uncles defense was that he was having an affair with my mother, that i had found out and concocted these events to stop my parents from breaking up and my family falling to pieces, all very much untrue, my mother denied the affair allegations, she also denied the fact that id told her of the assault saying she could not remember me telling her, the case was lost on account of her discrediting my evidence, he walked free....... fast forward several years to mum and dads separation, I ask dad about the alleged affair, he say that yes it is true, mum did have an affair with the uncle (among others) so in my mind its clear, she has let me down, hung me out to dry to protect herself, i have to front her with this, i do, she admits to the affair stating that it was all dads idea, he wanted a threesome, she says that she was forced, that she has endured 36 years of domestic violence during their marriage and that this was nothing, asks me if dad told me that on the morning that child services come to the house (when i was 14) that after they left he (dad) forced her to go and warn the uncle that the 'shit had hit the fan' that the police and child services were after him.... wtf??? my parents WARNED the asshole who assaulted their daughter that he was about to get in trouble??? excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK??????!!! ..... During the court case dad was no where to be seen, mum was never any support and now it all makes sense, they where both all to concerned that their dirty little secrets where bout to be aired.... as the years went on i left home at 15, was in and out of hospital for self harm and overdose/s and all the while was told how bloody selfish i was acting... excuse me but who the fuck are they to call me selfish???? I have not spoken to dad for 6+ weeks since this has all fully come to light, and I'm on the verge of telling mum to fuck off also because the way i see it, a mother of all people should be there for her daughter regardless of the fallout on herself, I would die for my children, i would bend over backwards for them, as would most mothers..... not mine though :'( .....
Now its time to put an end to this chaos, time to stop eating all these feelings, time to re find me and reclaim my life, time to loosen the strangle hold of the past and to start smiling at my marvelous future..... thank god for my amazing husband who is my rock, my strength, my love, my life, my soul mate, my peace, my sanity....my everything xxx

smooth sailing

well i must say its been a longgggg time between posts, yes Ive been pretty slack in this area, but this doesn't mean my efforts have been slack.... I decided, along with hubby, that our lifestyle isn't and hasn't been doing us any favors, so off to the Dr we went, then off to a dietitian and a diabetes specialist as we both have diabetes in our families, we've headed the warnings and taken the advice that's been given and both made major lifestyle changes over the last six weeks, and we've both lost a total of 8kg (each) to date. I must say I'm very proud of myself but I'm doubly proud of Jase, he's never been a fan of the healthy lifestyle, healthy eating or exercise and here he is putting it all into practice, for me i think its the fact that were doing it together, the support is great and is making all the difference! No doubt Christmas time will bring its challenges, but I'm sure I can adapt some of the Christmas recipes and make them healthier.

Ive taken a different view point on things, I'm NOT on a diet, so I'm not looking at this as a short term thing that will come to an end, this is our new lifestyle, were putting in place and learning new habits that will benefit our health and the weight loss well that's a bonus.... hopefully this will be a positive thing for the kids to, so that when there grown they (hopefully) wont face the same battle with the scale as we have.