Here we are 6 months into the year already, how did that happen? So much has gone down in the past 6 months, new years saw me weigh in at 68kg looking and feeling great, June first saw me weigh in 10kg heavier at 78 kg looking 'unkept' and fast losing confidence. The trigger (this time) was my parents separating at the beginning of February which bought with it so much stress and way to many emotions to even begin to think about dealing with, how do you deal with finding out neither of your parents were/are who you've thought they are for the past (almost) 32 years? How do you deal with finding out that the both of them have never put you first and when you needed them most they weren't there, they lied and cheated and betrayed you to protect their own dirty secrets? What parent does that to their child?
When i was 14 i was sexually assaulted by my uncle, my fathers brother who was staying with us at the time, i told my mother of this and was told she would 'call him' and 'sort it' weeks passed and nothing was done, a couple of months later i was getting ready for school and was told that the uncle would be coming over for dinner that night, needless to say i was very distraught, had an outburst at my mother and left the house, i didn't know where to go or what to do, some time later i ended up at school and asked the principal to help me telling him what had happened, he called the police and child services.......... time went on and charges were made, the court date finally came and the uncles defense was that he was having an affair with my mother, that i had found out and concocted these events to stop my parents from breaking up and my family falling to pieces, all very much untrue, my mother denied the affair allegations, she also denied the fact that id told her of the assault saying she could not remember me telling her, the case was lost on account of her discrediting my evidence, he walked free....... fast forward several years to mum and dads separation, I ask dad about the alleged affair, he say that yes it is true, mum did have an affair with the uncle (among others) so in my mind its clear, she has let me down, hung me out to dry to protect herself, i have to front her with this, i do, she admits to the affair stating that it was all dads idea, he wanted a threesome, she says that she was forced, that she has endured 36 years of domestic violence during their marriage and that this was nothing, asks me if dad told me that on the morning that child services come to the house (when i was 14) that after they left he (dad) forced her to go and warn the uncle that the 'shit had hit the fan' that the police and child services were after him.... wtf??? my parents WARNED the asshole who assaulted their daughter that he was about to get in trouble??? excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK??????!!! ..... During the court case dad was no where to be seen, mum was never any support and now it all makes sense, they where both all to concerned that their dirty little secrets where bout to be aired.... as the years went on i left home at 15, was in and out of hospital for self harm and overdose/s and all the while was told how bloody selfish i was acting... excuse me but who the fuck are they to call me selfish???? I have not spoken to dad for 6+ weeks since this has all fully come to light, and I'm on the verge of telling mum to fuck off also because the way i see it, a mother of all people should be there for her daughter regardless of the fallout on herself, I would die for my children, i would bend over backwards for them, as would most mothers..... not mine though :'( .....
Now its time to put an end to this chaos, time to stop eating all these feelings, time to re find me and reclaim my life, time to loosen the strangle hold of the past and to start smiling at my marvelous future..... thank god for my amazing husband who is my rock, my strength, my love, my life, my soul mate, my peace, my sanity....my everything xxx
