2011, what a tortuous, topsy turvy, shit, fun, amazing and wonderful year! it certainly has been a mixed bag thats for sure!!! but here i sit typing away, 12.36am on new years eve, less then 24 hours until 2012... I'm still in one piece, Ive made it through almost unscathed, somewhat emotionally scared but a hell of a lot stronger then this time 12 months ago.
I believe everything happens for a reason, I'm not a religious person, but i believe and do try and live by karma, be a good person and good will come your way.... funnily enough you just cant see the reasons whilst life has you twisted in its turmoil grip, but then some months (sometimes years) later, you see the good that has come from the bad, your stronger for having done battle with your demons, more determined, you don't let others put you down, you speak your mind, stand your ground and never back down! I am thankful for the year that has been, it has seen me rid my life of a LOT of crap and the people who were creating it, they may not like the changes their actions have evoked in me but i will be forever grateful!! life's funny like that :P
2011 saw only 3 posts from me here on blogger... SLACKO! i shall endeavour to write more often in the coming year, its therapeutic to get things off your chest and out of your head, here is as good as place to do so!
2012 - be the best that i can be.....
i think that says it all, i have big plans fitness wise that shall slowly unfold, Ive always wanted to be able to run, i shall achieve this in 2012, i shall invest time in me, and slowly i shall evolve :o) this year was doomed weight wise, Ive lost and gained the same 10kg what feels like a million times! 2012 will have finalcial incentives for hubby and i, each week we lose we get $50 to save towards rewards for ourselves, not sure what hubby is wanting, but me, i want my back tattoo done, lets see if 12 months from now i can have it completed!!
i sense great things coming about in 2012, lots of positive energy, lots of happy family times with my super family of 7!
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL, REMEMBER IF YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, LIFES SHORT SO GET OUT AND LIVE!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
never look back!
this is my new phrase to live by... never look back... eyes front and keep going forwards and your past can not control you!
I feel as if Ive come a long way these last few months, Ive let go of a lot of 'uglies' and have taken steps to take hold of my life.
My father is currently not a part of my life, Ive never felt quite so 'free' and didn't realise just how much control he had over me, my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... everything! I dont feel guilty but there is still a sense of 'expectation' there, like I'm expected to put up with his crap but I'm working through it....
My mother I'm struggling with, trying to forgive and rebuild some sort of relationship but at the same time putting myself, hubby and our children first. Mum is showing her true colours, she is a very selfish ans self centred woman, I'm struggling with that, i guess its the realisation that i will never have the loving relationship with her that Ive always craved, but hey that's life, eyes front, keep moving forward...
Me, I'm doing well, It took a while but hubby scored a new job as a parts interpreter at the local Toyota outlet, bit of a change from butchering, better hours, better pay, better people to work with and for, Its great to have my care free happy husband back! His new hours have made it possible for me to get some work too, I literally fell into a job at a local restaurant, assisting in the kitchen, making en tree's assisting the chef, doing deserts, and all the usual cleaning duties that come with it, I'm quite proud of myself actually as hubby was talking to friends about me getting a job at woolies supermarket but i did this all myself, and I'm loving it!
I feel so positive, and very confident of late, my weight has gone up a few kg but I'll get that in check! one thing at a time, one foot in front of the other.... never look back!
I feel as if Ive come a long way these last few months, Ive let go of a lot of 'uglies' and have taken steps to take hold of my life.
My father is currently not a part of my life, Ive never felt quite so 'free' and didn't realise just how much control he had over me, my life, my decisions, my thoughts, my feelings... everything! I dont feel guilty but there is still a sense of 'expectation' there, like I'm expected to put up with his crap but I'm working through it....
My mother I'm struggling with, trying to forgive and rebuild some sort of relationship but at the same time putting myself, hubby and our children first. Mum is showing her true colours, she is a very selfish ans self centred woman, I'm struggling with that, i guess its the realisation that i will never have the loving relationship with her that Ive always craved, but hey that's life, eyes front, keep moving forward...
Me, I'm doing well, It took a while but hubby scored a new job as a parts interpreter at the local Toyota outlet, bit of a change from butchering, better hours, better pay, better people to work with and for, Its great to have my care free happy husband back! His new hours have made it possible for me to get some work too, I literally fell into a job at a local restaurant, assisting in the kitchen, making en tree's assisting the chef, doing deserts, and all the usual cleaning duties that come with it, I'm quite proud of myself actually as hubby was talking to friends about me getting a job at woolies supermarket but i did this all myself, and I'm loving it!
I feel so positive, and very confident of late, my weight has gone up a few kg but I'll get that in check! one thing at a time, one foot in front of the other.... never look back!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
stress stress stress... and you guessed it, emotional binging :o(
Here we are 6 months into the year already, how did that happen? So much has gone down in the past 6 months, new years saw me weigh in at 68kg looking and feeling great, June first saw me weigh in 10kg heavier at 78 kg looking 'unkept' and fast losing confidence. The trigger (this time) was my parents separating at the beginning of February which bought with it so much stress and way to many emotions to even begin to think about dealing with, how do you deal with finding out neither of your parents were/are who you've thought they are for the past (almost) 32 years? How do you deal with finding out that the both of them have never put you first and when you needed them most they weren't there, they lied and cheated and betrayed you to protect their own dirty secrets? What parent does that to their child?
When i was 14 i was sexually assaulted by my uncle, my fathers brother who was staying with us at the time, i told my mother of this and was told she would 'call him' and 'sort it' weeks passed and nothing was done, a couple of months later i was getting ready for school and was told that the uncle would be coming over for dinner that night, needless to say i was very distraught, had an outburst at my mother and left the house, i didn't know where to go or what to do, some time later i ended up at school and asked the principal to help me telling him what had happened, he called the police and child services.......... time went on and charges were made, the court date finally came and the uncles defense was that he was having an affair with my mother, that i had found out and concocted these events to stop my parents from breaking up and my family falling to pieces, all very much untrue, my mother denied the affair allegations, she also denied the fact that id told her of the assault saying she could not remember me telling her, the case was lost on account of her discrediting my evidence, he walked free....... fast forward several years to mum and dads separation, I ask dad about the alleged affair, he say that yes it is true, mum did have an affair with the uncle (among others) so in my mind its clear, she has let me down, hung me out to dry to protect herself, i have to front her with this, i do, she admits to the affair stating that it was all dads idea, he wanted a threesome, she says that she was forced, that she has endured 36 years of domestic violence during their marriage and that this was nothing, asks me if dad told me that on the morning that child services come to the house (when i was 14) that after they left he (dad) forced her to go and warn the uncle that the 'shit had hit the fan' that the police and child services were after him.... wtf??? my parents WARNED the asshole who assaulted their daughter that he was about to get in trouble??? excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK??????!!! ..... During the court case dad was no where to be seen, mum was never any support and now it all makes sense, they where both all to concerned that their dirty little secrets where bout to be aired.... as the years went on i left home at 15, was in and out of hospital for self harm and overdose/s and all the while was told how bloody selfish i was acting... excuse me but who the fuck are they to call me selfish???? I have not spoken to dad for 6+ weeks since this has all fully come to light, and I'm on the verge of telling mum to fuck off also because the way i see it, a mother of all people should be there for her daughter regardless of the fallout on herself, I would die for my children, i would bend over backwards for them, as would most mothers..... not mine though :'( .....
Now its time to put an end to this chaos, time to stop eating all these feelings, time to re find me and reclaim my life, time to loosen the strangle hold of the past and to start smiling at my marvelous future..... thank god for my amazing husband who is my rock, my strength, my love, my life, my soul mate, my peace, my sanity....my everything xxx
When i was 14 i was sexually assaulted by my uncle, my fathers brother who was staying with us at the time, i told my mother of this and was told she would 'call him' and 'sort it' weeks passed and nothing was done, a couple of months later i was getting ready for school and was told that the uncle would be coming over for dinner that night, needless to say i was very distraught, had an outburst at my mother and left the house, i didn't know where to go or what to do, some time later i ended up at school and asked the principal to help me telling him what had happened, he called the police and child services.......... time went on and charges were made, the court date finally came and the uncles defense was that he was having an affair with my mother, that i had found out and concocted these events to stop my parents from breaking up and my family falling to pieces, all very much untrue, my mother denied the affair allegations, she also denied the fact that id told her of the assault saying she could not remember me telling her, the case was lost on account of her discrediting my evidence, he walked free....... fast forward several years to mum and dads separation, I ask dad about the alleged affair, he say that yes it is true, mum did have an affair with the uncle (among others) so in my mind its clear, she has let me down, hung me out to dry to protect herself, i have to front her with this, i do, she admits to the affair stating that it was all dads idea, he wanted a threesome, she says that she was forced, that she has endured 36 years of domestic violence during their marriage and that this was nothing, asks me if dad told me that on the morning that child services come to the house (when i was 14) that after they left he (dad) forced her to go and warn the uncle that the 'shit had hit the fan' that the police and child services were after him.... wtf??? my parents WARNED the asshole who assaulted their daughter that he was about to get in trouble??? excuse me but WHAT THE FUCK??????!!! ..... During the court case dad was no where to be seen, mum was never any support and now it all makes sense, they where both all to concerned that their dirty little secrets where bout to be aired.... as the years went on i left home at 15, was in and out of hospital for self harm and overdose/s and all the while was told how bloody selfish i was acting... excuse me but who the fuck are they to call me selfish???? I have not spoken to dad for 6+ weeks since this has all fully come to light, and I'm on the verge of telling mum to fuck off also because the way i see it, a mother of all people should be there for her daughter regardless of the fallout on herself, I would die for my children, i would bend over backwards for them, as would most mothers..... not mine though :'( .....
Now its time to put an end to this chaos, time to stop eating all these feelings, time to re find me and reclaim my life, time to loosen the strangle hold of the past and to start smiling at my marvelous future..... thank god for my amazing husband who is my rock, my strength, my love, my life, my soul mate, my peace, my sanity....my everything xxx
Monday, November 15, 2010
smooth sailing
well i must say its been a longgggg time between posts, yes Ive been pretty slack in this area, but this doesn't mean my efforts have been slack.... I decided, along with hubby, that our lifestyle isn't and hasn't been doing us any favors, so off to the Dr we went, then off to a dietitian and a diabetes specialist as we both have diabetes in our families, we've headed the warnings and taken the advice that's been given and both made major lifestyle changes over the last six weeks, and we've both lost a total of 8kg (each) to date. I must say I'm very proud of myself but I'm doubly proud of Jase, he's never been a fan of the healthy lifestyle, healthy eating or exercise and here he is putting it all into practice, for me i think its the fact that were doing it together, the support is great and is making all the difference! No doubt Christmas time will bring its challenges, but I'm sure I can adapt some of the Christmas recipes and make them healthier.
Ive taken a different view point on things, I'm NOT on a diet, so I'm not looking at this as a short term thing that will come to an end, this is our new lifestyle, were putting in place and learning new habits that will benefit our health and the weight loss well that's a bonus.... hopefully this will be a positive thing for the kids to, so that when there grown they (hopefully) wont face the same battle with the scale as we have.
Ive taken a different view point on things, I'm NOT on a diet, so I'm not looking at this as a short term thing that will come to an end, this is our new lifestyle, were putting in place and learning new habits that will benefit our health and the weight loss well that's a bonus.... hopefully this will be a positive thing for the kids to, so that when there grown they (hopefully) wont face the same battle with the scale as we have.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Here we go again!
Argh, ive spent the last 5 weeks chasing my tail and the scale up and down and all over the place, needless to say im back at the beginning and starting again..... AGAIN!
im not gonna beat myself up over it, shit happens and life goes on, im a busy mum, most times i dont get a lot of time to focus on me so the end result isnt always ideal to my weight loss efforts.... but hey im still here and still tryin, thats the main thing :o)
Ive alloted a little 'me' time, Tuesday and Thursday evenings i go to Zumba! its great, full on, sooooo hectic and fast, gets the blood racing and ur heart thumping, and its run by a local church group so its just a group of gals tryin there best and laughin it up, its a fantastic stress buster i tell ya lol.
Next Tuesday im booked in for day surgery, ive opted to have a tubal ligation, i saw the Dr only 5 weeks ago and was told id be on the waiting list for about a year then I got a letter someone had canceled and there was an appointment open, which i snapped up. Funny though, as much as i know this is what i want, and whats best given that hubby and I only need look at each other and im preggers, it all feels quite strange, ive been an emotional mess, mood swinging fiercly from yes this is definatly what i want 300% to thinking 'what am i doing??... am i crazy??' i think a lot of its nerves, and then the finality of it all, and really, ive been a mum for 14 years, i dont have a job, a career, etc.... whats next if im not a mum looking after littlies? I guess it will all sort itself out, hubby has said that if in the future there is some fantastic force driving us to have another child we will do whatever is necesscary and make it so... but right now, i have my 5 precious lil souls and i really dont want any more (as my mind screams out in disagreement!!) BIGGG DECISIONS are by no means easy ones!
im not gonna beat myself up over it, shit happens and life goes on, im a busy mum, most times i dont get a lot of time to focus on me so the end result isnt always ideal to my weight loss efforts.... but hey im still here and still tryin, thats the main thing :o)
Ive alloted a little 'me' time, Tuesday and Thursday evenings i go to Zumba! its great, full on, sooooo hectic and fast, gets the blood racing and ur heart thumping, and its run by a local church group so its just a group of gals tryin there best and laughin it up, its a fantastic stress buster i tell ya lol.
Next Tuesday im booked in for day surgery, ive opted to have a tubal ligation, i saw the Dr only 5 weeks ago and was told id be on the waiting list for about a year then I got a letter someone had canceled and there was an appointment open, which i snapped up. Funny though, as much as i know this is what i want, and whats best given that hubby and I only need look at each other and im preggers, it all feels quite strange, ive been an emotional mess, mood swinging fiercly from yes this is definatly what i want 300% to thinking 'what am i doing??... am i crazy??' i think a lot of its nerves, and then the finality of it all, and really, ive been a mum for 14 years, i dont have a job, a career, etc.... whats next if im not a mum looking after littlies? I guess it will all sort itself out, hubby has said that if in the future there is some fantastic force driving us to have another child we will do whatever is necesscary and make it so... but right now, i have my 5 precious lil souls and i really dont want any more (as my mind screams out in disagreement!!) BIGGG DECISIONS are by no means easy ones!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
dont live in the past and be hurt by yesterday, live for the future and be loved by tomorrow.
love it!
i treated myself to a haircut this week, i hadnt had a cut in almost 15 months!! my hair was getting way to long and quite hard to manage. its nothing fancy, the hairdresser too off about 5 inches ( its still sits about 2 inches below my shoulders) and cut in some soft layers around my face, pretty basic but i love it. i had to take Amber (4 1/2) and Deagan (9 months) with me and was quite nervous that they'd reek havoc in the salon but to my surprise they were perfect angels! the hairdresser was great to, a young gay man (this was most obvious lol) when i saw him i was again very nervous, i havent had much confidence lately, add to that lots of anxiety :( , but he was great, straightened my hair, which was a total fuzz ball, and then cut it so nicely, took him almost an hour! I used to get my hair done by a gay man when i was younger and he was the same, so now i believe no one can cut a womens hair like a gay man lol. i also shouted myself some make up, it was a real boost, made me feel quite special.
its my 31st birthday friday, jason is 33 on sunday, were having a party at our place saturday night and im really looking forward to it, time for a little fun i think :)
Ohh and in other news Deagan is crawling! look out world chaos is comming!!
love it!
i treated myself to a haircut this week, i hadnt had a cut in almost 15 months!! my hair was getting way to long and quite hard to manage. its nothing fancy, the hairdresser too off about 5 inches ( its still sits about 2 inches below my shoulders) and cut in some soft layers around my face, pretty basic but i love it. i had to take Amber (4 1/2) and Deagan (9 months) with me and was quite nervous that they'd reek havoc in the salon but to my surprise they were perfect angels! the hairdresser was great to, a young gay man (this was most obvious lol) when i saw him i was again very nervous, i havent had much confidence lately, add to that lots of anxiety :( , but he was great, straightened my hair, which was a total fuzz ball, and then cut it so nicely, took him almost an hour! I used to get my hair done by a gay man when i was younger and he was the same, so now i believe no one can cut a womens hair like a gay man lol. i also shouted myself some make up, it was a real boost, made me feel quite special.
its my 31st birthday friday, jason is 33 on sunday, were having a party at our place saturday night and im really looking forward to it, time for a little fun i think :)
Ohh and in other news Deagan is crawling! look out world chaos is comming!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Finally things are heading back in the right direction... down.... most of last weeks weight spike is gone, thank god, so perhaps he was right and it was fluid retention. Lets just hope next week see's the scales being friendly and giving me a smaller number again. A loss of 3.8 this week after last weeks gain of 3.9... im still having a little trouble getting my head around the fluid idea, thats a lot of water weight to gain and lose over a couple of weeks... ohh well im no doctor. Might treat myself to a haircut next week, havent has one in almost 15 months!!! Somehow i always seem to forget myself, yes i will call and make an appointment, kids never miss out on anything, a little something for me wont hurt.
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