dont live in the past and be hurt by yesterday, live for the future and be loved by tomorrow.

love it!

i treated myself to a haircut this week, i hadnt had a cut in almost 15 months!! my hair was getting way to long and quite hard to manage. its nothing fancy, the hairdresser too off about 5 inches ( its still sits about 2 inches below my shoulders) and cut in some soft layers around my face, pretty basic but i love it. i had to take Amber (4 1/2) and Deagan (9 months) with me and was quite nervous that they'd reek havoc in the salon but to my surprise they were perfect angels! the hairdresser was great to, a young gay man (this was most obvious lol) when i saw him i was again very nervous, i havent had much confidence lately, add to that lots of anxiety :( , but he was great, straightened my hair, which was a total fuzz ball, and then cut it so nicely, took him almost an hour! I used to get my hair done by a gay man when i was younger and he was the same, so now i believe no one can cut a womens hair like a gay man lol. i also shouted myself some make up, it was a real boost, made me feel quite special.

its my 31st birthday friday, jason is 33 on sunday, were having a party at our place saturday night and im really looking forward to it, time for a little fun i think :)

Ohh and in other news Deagan is crawling! look out world chaos is comming!!

Finally things are heading back in the right direction... down.... most of last weeks weight spike is gone, thank god, so perhaps he was right and it was fluid retention. Lets just hope next week see's the scales being friendly and giving me a smaller number again. A loss of 3.8 this week after last weeks gain of 3.9... im still having a little trouble getting my head around the fluid idea, thats a lot of water weight to gain and lose over a couple of weeks... ohh well im no doctor. Might treat myself to a haircut next week, havent has one in almost 15 months!!! Somehow i always seem to forget myself, yes i will call and make an appointment, kids never miss out on anything, a little something for me wont hurt.

So I'm still stressing over last weeks weigh in, i gained 3.9kg, no idea how? I'm at a loss? My concern over this led me to the Dr's who has explained that the medication I'm on to balance my hormones, which haven't been quite right since baby #5, can cause fluid retention, sudden weight gains etc, apparently I'm not supposed to stress over this... arghhhhh.... yes I'm stressing, feel like I'm fighting a losing battle :( .... but i will not give in to this and be an obese mess, if things continue on the way they have been i will try a different medication.



Something else has been on my mind for a few days, I was driving to woolies and had a childhood memory return to haunt me, a birthday card i received from a friend on my 8th birthday, it had a picture of a little girl on the front wearing little jeans a check shirt and a cap, she had her brown ponytail coming out the back of the cap... I remember looking at this card time and time again until my early teens, wishing i could be that slim, carefree girl... i was a chubby child,,, this memory saddens me. Here i was thinking Ive been battling the weight and yo-yoing for 7 or 8 years and the truth is Ive been unhappy with myself and my weight since i was 8 years old, I'm 31 on July 30th, Ive already spent almost 23 years chasing what Ive always considered was an impossible dream, time to change destiny and take the "im" out of "im"possible! because "im" letting go of the past, its not gonna hold me back anymore, "im" giving myself permission to move on and make this happen, "im" in control... "im" doing this... "im" making it possible... :o) Ive realised that if i don't let go of the past, if i keep seeing myself as that chubby child who desperately wanted to be someone or something else, if i keep judging myself and grading myself 'unworthy' 'useless' and a 'failure' because of a number on a scale I'll never get anywhere... weigh in tomorrow, anxiously looking forward to my first weigh in without the fog of the past hanging around me ;o)

i think i can ...

Yep I'm back and i think i can get in control again and get this done, god knows Ive been here sooooo many times before, i know exactly what needs to be done but just don't know how to keep myself motivated to get it done :/

I think Ive finally realised just how important it is to track everything, the good the bad and the ugly (there's been a lot of ugly lately!) lets hope the penny has finally dropped! yesterday i was off track but did track everything and threw in some exercise and looking back over it this morning it wasn't that bad. It wasn't good, but it certainly wasn't a train wreck!

Today I'm feeling brighter and more positive despite having a head cold and a sore throat, I'm not feeling constantly hungry (don't think this REALLY happens anyway, i think the days where I'm 'constantly hungry' its more that I'm in a bad head space) and Ive done 40 minutes exercise, lets hope this continues....